I Want Your All
by Avidreader1993
Summary: Completely unrelated to 'The Hidden Journal'. One shot into a tough moment in Sam's life and her relationship with Lara


"I don't see why you are wasting your time here Sam?" My mother expressed with great exasperation. I just ignored her and kept fiddling with the broccoli on my plate. I was currently having dinner with my parents at a fancy restaurant that required black tie attire; they were staying in London for a few days before they continued their flight to California.

"Samantha?" my father demanded my attention; god I hated my full name. I looked up from my very interesting broccoli to the stern face of my father. "Are you even listening to your mother?" he lectured. I rolled my eyes because they both knew I clearly wasn't but wanted me to admit it.

"You need to learn some respect…" my mother informed. She straightened out her dress before folding her hands on the table; she looked like an obedient dog in my opinion. "You will never find or keep a man acting like this," she said.

I leaned back in my chair and let my fork drop against the plate letting out a loud clatter that alerted the table next to us. My mother shot me a dirty look as she let out a breath of annoyance; she was mad at me.

I looked down at my lap at my phone with the hope that it would have something to get me out of this situation; I did not want to be here. Outings with my parents were never fun; they always…always involved my mother criticizing my life style and choices. My father was no better, he would just sit there and let my mother lecture me occasionally breaking his silence to do what he just did; make sure I was giving my mother my undivided attention.

I don't even know why they wanted to see me; we all just ended up annoyed and unhappy at the end of the night. Majority of the time my mother can't even look me in the eye and my father gives me this sad pathetic look when he hugs me goodbye. I know that the only reason I am able to go to college is because of my father; if it was my mother's decision she wouldn't have paid for me to study filmmaking since it is such a "waste of time."

That was the only thing my father was really good at…giving me money. He was never there, he never defended me but he always gave me money when I asked. I guess it is his way of saying he cares…I don't know. My parents have gotten so accustomed to their lives that I don't even think they talk to each other; they just go about their own business and when necessary act like the traditional man and wife.

I chance a glance at my father and see that he is focus on his phone tapping away to god only knows. He is always working…never does he take a break and the older I get the more I see that he'd rather work. My father is unhappy…I can see in his eyes… he is unhappy with my mother. But he will never leave her…he can't…she wouldn't survive without his money and it's not traditional.

I look over at my mother; she is looking around the restaurant. I see her eye catch on something before she gives a flirtatious smile. I turn my head and see a young guy who had to be my age leaning against the fancy bar.

I let out a dry chuckle…my mother was really something else. My father was right next to her and she was blatantly giving this…this boy the 'fuck me' eyes. "Talk about respect," I muttered when I turned my head back to face my parents.

"Excuse me Samantha?" my mother innocently asked. She knows what I saw but she also knows my father will never leave her so she has no worries.

"Nothing…mother," I growled. I grab my fork and got back to playing with the lone piece of broccoli.

This night sucked; and I wanted it to be over. Dinner with my parents is just another bad aspect of my night; it was already bad to begin with starting at quarter to 12 in the afternoon.

I continued to stare at the green vegetable until my eyes blurred and I got lost in what happened earlier.

My morning was good…I only had one class at 9 and then I was done for the day. When class ended I had the bright idea to visit my best friend to figure out what we should wear for tonight. Little did I know that going to that dorm room would be the start of my horrible night.

"Shit…Sam," Lara said, she looked up from her large textbook and gave me a guilty look. I didn't even want to know what it was…I already knew.

"Come on…can't you call out?" I asked. I was still standing in the door of her closet facing her. "I can't," she replied.

I place my hands on my hip and scowled at her, "what do you mean you can't…it's supposed to be your day off," I threw at her. She shut her book and got up to place it on her desk. She was the lone occupant of a single dorm where I was forced to share with a stranger due to the University's mistake but majority of the time I still stayed with Lara.

"Sam...I already said that I would come in, I can't cancel on him," the young British informed. I threw my hands up in the air and turned to slam the closet door shut. "That's funny…you have no problem canceling on me when I need you and when you already supposedly committed to me," I snapped.

Lara dropped her head back and let out a sigh, "what is this really about Sam?" she asked. She leaned back against the desk and gave me a hesitant look.

"Well…as of now I'm starting to think the two are very much related to one another," I said as I crossed my arms. I could feel the pressure behind my eyes which usually resulted with tears streaming down them; I wasn't going to let that happen.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she snapped.

"You're the academic genus here…figure it out."

"Sam…I forgot. That's all there is to it...I forgot and I need the money," Lara tried explaining. I shook my head and let out a mocking chuckle, "forgot…you forgot. Really that is the best excuse…you forgot. Lara, you remember every word that you ever read from a text book. You expect me to believe that you forgot that your 'girlfriend' wanted…no needed you to come out to dinner with her to make the blow from her parents just a little easier to take," I shouted. I could feel my eyes begin to water so I turned around so she wouldn't see it.

"Sam…-"

I couldn't take it; I had to say how I felt. Her sympathetic tone set me off and I turned to face her with tears sliding down my cheeks. "No…I can't…I can't do this. I'm giving you my all but I feel like I'm getting nothing in return. At first I thought it was because of us being best friends but after 6 months…I...I don't know. You've been basically avoiding me ever since I said I love you a month ago. Fuck…Lara I'm not expecting you to say it back right away but do me a favor and don't date me and fuck me because you're afraid of hurting my feeling," I snapped at her. I grabbed my bag and walked out her dorm before she could even start her sentence.

I ran down the hall until I was out of the building; I did not want to risk looking back. I slowed my pace until I was slowly walking; I continued to walk till I reached the campus park. I walked up to a shady tree and sat under it; it was there I let more tears flow down my face. It was there that I grasped that I just broke up with my girlfriend; I broke up with Lara…

"Samantha…SAMANTHA." I snapped out of my memories and looked up to see my mother, father and our waiter staring at me.

"Are you done Ma'am?" The waiter asked. I nodded my head and pushed my plate to him.

"Would you be interested in dessert?" he asked the table once he grabbed my plate. "Just the check," my father answered.

"You are such an embarrassment," my mother stated. I clenched my jaw; I was trying to keep my mouth shut, it did no good to argue with her. "Such a disgrace…can't even find a decent man to take care of you," she continued.

"Shut up," I snapped. I grabbed my napkin from my lap and tossed it on to the table.

"Excuse me?" she shrieked. My father grabbed her hand, "Honey," he pleaded. She pulled her hand from his and slapped me. The smack was heard around the restaurant; all eyes were on us.

I was stunned; it wasn't the first time she had smacked me but it was the first time in public and in front of my father. My father stood up; he looked livid and my mother had the decency to actually look a little fearful. "We're leaving right now," he announced.

"No!" I got up with him; he looked at me with softer eyes. "I'm not going anywhere with either of you," I said. I leant over the table towards my mother, "And I'll never be with a decent guy because I don't do the whole penis anatomy if you catch my drift," I hissed at her. I saw my mother's face contort to disgust and anger before I turned to face my father. "Have a safe flight," I said to him and then walked out of the door.

I heard my mother shout something but I didn't bother to process it through my head; I just walked pass the gawking customers out into the cool crisp January air.

I walked a few blocks before I was able to hail a cab. Once in the warmth of the car I began to feel the effects of the slap and…fuck it hurt. My whole cheek was tingling; and the warmth of the cab was making the tingling worst. I brought my fingers to my cheek and winced when they made contact with the sink. Pushing pass the pain I continued to feel my cheek until I hit what seemed like something scabbing on my skin. I used my fingernail to scrape at it and pulled my nail into my line of vision; it was dried blood. Putting my fingers back on my cheek I followed the dried blood till I got to the cause of the dried blood. It was a cut just under my cheekbone that must have been from my mother's nails; the pain from the slap most likely blocked out the pain from the cut and the cool air on my face must have numbed it.

I took my fingers away from my face and moved them to my jacket to pull it tighter around me. This night was really turning to shit; I admit out loud that I'm gay even though a few hours before I broke up with my girlfriend who also happened to be my best friend. God…my father could use my life as a soap opera; there is no doubt that it would be a hit.

"Here we are, love," the cab driver announced. I fished into my jacket pocket for £20 and handed it to him, "keep the change," I said before climbing out and making my way to my dorm.

I was relieved to see that my roommate wasn't in; I honestly didn't want to deal with her and did not want to talk about my night. Slipping out of my jacket and dress I walked to my closet and found some sweats and a large t-shirt. I stripped of my bra and underwear and slipped on my pajamas; I kicked my worn clothes into the closet as I walked by. I needed to go to the bathroom to clean my face and brush my teeth.

The hallway was pretty quiet but then again it was 10 o'clock on a Friday night so most people were out or at this week's frat party. It wasn't long before I was back in my dorm and curled under my sheets just staring into the dark and slowly drifting to sleep.

* * *

I nearly jumped out of my skin, when I was awakened by an arm slipping around my waist, until I heard the familiar accent say, "It's me."

"What time is it?" I asked. I tried to pull away from Lara's grasp but she only held on tighter. I was able to feel her belt pressing into my back which told me that she had also crawled under the sheets.

"Nearly 3," she whispered. I tried once again to pull out of her grasp, I was still mad at her, but she just pulled me tighter once again. "Let go," I demanded. My demand fell dead on deaf ears instead I felt her press her lips against the back of my neck.

As much as I hated to admit it the feel of her lips made me feel better. "Let me go," I demanded again.

"No…I'm not letting you go," she informed. Her breath felt hot against my neck, "Lara…" I muttered.

"No, I'm not losing you. Bloody hell Sam…when you walked out of my dorm I could feel my whole world begin to crumble. All I could think about was you while I was at work; I was so distracted that my boss let me leave early. I've been sitting outside your dorm for the pass two hour with this fear that you will tell me to sod off," Lara confessed. I twisted my body under her arm so that I was face to face with her; the street light outside allowed a little bit of light to seep into the room.

"Fuck…what happened to your face?" Lara asked; her expression was horrified as she brought her fingers to gently place them along my cheek. It was still tender but it was nothing compared to earlier.

"It's a long story," I replied. Lara proceeded to run her fingers across the cut before leaning over and placing a kiss on it.

"Don't…please," I begged. If she wasn't going to give me her all then I didn't want her having my all. Lara lay back on the pillow and looked into my eyes, "I-I love…I love you Sam," she whispered.

"Don't force yourself to say it," I muttered.

"No…I'm not. I wanted to say it right after you did but…Sam you're the only family I have besides Roth. Every person that I have ever admitted to loving has disappeared; I have never uttered those words to Roth. I don't…I can't lose you and that is my biggest fear but today when you left my nightmare was beginning," Lara said. I could see the faint tears slowly making their way dow her cheeks. I brought my hands to her cheek and wiped away the tears, "sshhh, it's okay sweetie," I whispered.

"It's not…Sam I've loved you for years. I was shocked to discover that you had intimate feelings for me too and sometimes I'm afraid to wake up because I'm afraid it's all going to be a dream or you're going to change your mind," Lara said. The tears had stopped but Lara had a hard time keeping eye contact with me; she was never good at expressing her deep feelings.

"This isn't a dream…god this isn't a dream. I've never felt more alive in my life Lara. I can't promise forever because I can't see that far ahead but I can promise that I will try and give you forever if you can do the same for me," I said. Lara's beautiful hazel eyes locked with mine, "I promise," she said firmly. I felt tears flow down my cheeks but I had a massive smile; I love this stunning woman.

Lara wiped my cheeks before shifting me onto my back and hovering over me to kiss me. The kiss was gentle at first but quickly became passionate and deep. I could feel Lara run her fingers under the hem of my shirt along the skin of stomach; I couldn't suppress the moan. I wrapped my arms around her neck to pull her closer but Lara pulled back and let out a massive yawn which a few seconds later I copied.

I laughed, "we should sleep…it's been a long night," I proposed. Lara gave me a disappointed look but nodded her head.

"We'd be rubbish if we tried to continue in this state," she added. I pushed her onto her back before settling my head against her shoulder and draping an arm across her torso. "Speak for yourself, I always have a mind-blowing performance no matter what state I'm in," I muttered against her collarbone. I felt her chuckle and bring her arm around the back of my shoulders and pull me in closer.

"Sam…I love you," she whispered. Her breathing was becoming deeper as she drifted off. I listened to her strong, soft heartbeat as I began to fall asleep.

"I love you too, Lara," were my last words before drifting into a relaxing slumber.

* * *

I'm almost done with chapter three of 'The Hidden Journal' but i found this and wanted to post it. Review...


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